Meditations from the heart

Over 10 months ago I packed up my comfort and moved out to Lemont to be with the man that I love. In case you don’t know me very well let me tell you a couple things about me. I have lived in Ottawa all my life. I’m a grounded type of person. I was never the young girl who would say to herself, “I can’t wait to move far away from this town. No I was the girl who liked to stay in the same place around all the familiar streets I know and the people I knew. I loved the feeling of walking into the local Walmart and to be able to run into people I knew. I never wanted to leave home. I love stability and security. I love comfort. I loved the friendships that took years to build. They were like warm blankets to me and I really love my blankets. And that’s the other thing I really love: connection. I love sharing my heart, my thoughts, my dreams and fears. I loved that people knew me and I knew them. It wasn’t awkward it was comfortable.

Leaving was extremely difficult. Taking down my pictures I loved off my walls and giving them to Goodwill felt like a part of me was being stripped as well. Week by week my apartment grew barer as I gave more of my stuff away. White walls and bare rooms and sitting in it was so hard. But I left more than things behind I left my family, my friends, my job behind. When you leave it’s just not the same.As hard as leaving was I am finding that starting over is even harder. I had this idea in my head Id move out here Id find a new church, a new job. I’d make new friends and it would be great. Well as they say life had other plans.

Covid 19 hit. Life changed even more. Connection was harder to achieve through zoom calls and social distancing. Wearing masks that make it difficult to communicate. A quiet girl having to speak loud is so uncomfortable and strangely enough since I began to work it became the new norm for me. Not only did I have to adjust to starting over in a new job, a new church and a new job I had to adjust to this strange new way of living as we all did.The hardest thing about starting over is first nothing is familiar. You felt uncomfortable all the time. At first I wouldn’t leave my house for months unless Joe was with me. Hello new security blanket.

It was hard to be unknown. No one knew me and I didn’t know anyone. For months I felt sad and lost. Thinking of Ottawa. Thinking of Dollar General. Thinking of my friends and my family and ever harder my cat. I thought about how I missed seeing people I knew and who knew me. As time went on and I found a new church and started a new job I really began to struggle. Life was profoundly different here. Life was more faced paced and it was difficult to make a connection. Out here people yell more. They are more unfriendly. They are impatient or maybe it’s Covid that’s changed people I just can’t even tell the difference.

Most days I am among hundreds of people a day and I feel alone. I feel lonely. I’m longing for connection but not receiving it. It’s hard starting over it takes time for people and places to feel familiar. When I first moved here I was talking with my sister. She’s moved several times in her life and cross country. She said it takes a good year or two to feel adjusted to a new place. I think often of that hard truth and it encourages me whenever I’m struggling with my thoughts and feeling sad. These last few weeks have become more difficult. Places are shutting down again and people are panic shopping. Fear brings out the worst in people. Impatience, rude tones, harsh words.

Last week was difficult and on one particular day I felt like the world was out to get me. I whispered a prayer Lord help me. The next few customers were kind to me. A woman thanked me for being here to help. Then a man came through my line. We spoke of the warm weather and he said he hoped I could get out and enjoy it. He said he’d whisper a prayer for me. I said I pray too and God is good to me. He stood there for a moment and looked at me. It felt good to be seen. And he handed me a bouquet of flowers that he had bought and said, “These are for you.” In that moment I knew. In my heart. In my soul that God gave me those flowers. God is saying I see you. I love you. It’s a hard season but it’s also a season in which I’m discovering beautiful parts of God. The true connection I’ve been longing for I am indeed receiving.