Many years ago while I was attending Christ Community Church in my hometown of Ottawa Illinois I was taught that God gives us a word. A word for the direction of our lives. A word for the year and ever since then I have looked and listened deep within me for what that word would be. A few months after God had spoken to me and asked me to come out of hiding and I was back at my job at Kiddie Academy an opportunity came for me to study and become a lead toddler teacher. I had been approached several times within the 2 years that I had been an assistant teacher but just never had the confidence to say yes. I just wasn’t ready. As Ecclesiastes 3:1 says: For everything that happens in life—there is a season, a right time for everything under heaven: I was a few months back and my lead toddler teacher was ready to move on to begin working in an elementary school and I knew I was ready to fully embrace the dream God had given me. At this time God gave me the word Shine for this season and I was ready to receive it. Psalm 34:5 says Look to Him and shine, so shame will never contort your faces. I knew plenty about shame and how it had pushed me down into hiding. First God had asked me to come out of hiding and now He was asking me to shine. That was quiet a jump for me. I felt like He was asking me to jump across the sky. Sometimes we think this is too much but really its just small little steps built one on top of the other. The truth was I had been shining within my job for quite some time. Although I was an assistant teacher I was already doing the work of a lead teacher. It was just a matter of saying yes. Another yes. But first I must work. So last summer I spent every evening studying. I knew how to put in the work. I knew if I did my part God would do His and I just had to trust the results. I have seen this work over the years as I put in the work to recover from childhood abuse. I also knew that whatever I put in was what I was going to receive. So I worked at it with all my heart for my dream was all heart. I put thought and dedication in all I did. I took my tests and was observed and each step of the way God directed me and in the end it didn’t feel so hard for me because it was what God made me to do. Now it was just time to feel it, to receive it and to embrace it. For with these children whom I love with all my heart I am most myself. I see and feel the best of myself and I shine just as Christ has shined upon me all these years and pulled me out of a childhood where I felt unseen and unsafe. He has taken my wounds and used them. Just as he promised many years ago He said Mary I will bring you to a wide and open space and indeed I have tasted and seen that it is good and it is indeed beautiful.
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Stop Hiding
There is a place I go to within myself. I go there when I feel afraid and insecure. It is warm and comfortable. It is where I retreat to when I am hurting and feel unloved and unaccepted. It is where I hide. Only thing is I am a prisoner of all my coping mechanisms. I’m locked up safe inside. My breathing has slowed down and my heart is numb. This is where I was the day that God said: Mary stop hiding. His breath, His words a gentle whisper took my breath away. I have been hiding all my life. I do this in so many different ways in my life. First it begins inside my heart. It grows icy and then I begin to shut down. I grow deathly quiet and my mind goes blank. Then it goes out of my body. I go away and you never hear word from me again. This is my hiding place. But I have grown tired over these years of the loneliness, isolation and depression. I think I was ready to hear these words and I think God had been preparing me for them. Luke 8:16 says you wouldn’t light a lamp and cover it with a clay pot. You’re not going to hide it under your bed. No, when you light it, you’re going to put it out in the open so your guests can feel welcome and see where they’re going. There was a time in my life when I hated who I was but slowly I have grown to love and accept who God has has made me to be. God began to reveal to me how He had come inside of me and lit up all the dark places within and that is where He lives. For Galatians 2:20 says have been crucified with the Anointed One—I am no longer alive—but the Anointed is living in me; and whatever life I have left in this failing body I live by the faithfulness of God’s Son, the One who loves me and gave His body on the cross for me. When I hide I also hide Christ from those in my life. This moment of naked vulnerability cracked my heart wide open. I have said all these years that I believe and trust in God but what I have really been trusting in is my hiding. Instead of letting God protect me I had been protecting myself. It was time for some repentance. Repentance requires a turning of direction. Repentance required a yes. It was time to come out into the open and show who I am and who Christ had changed me to be. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says Now all of us, with our faces unveiled, reflect the gloryof the Lord as if we are mirrors; and so we are being transformed, metamorphosed, into His same image from one radiance of glory to another, just as the Spirit of the Lord accomplishes it. It was time to pull down the veil and reflect who God is in me. To be a mirror of his love and grace. Now I’m on the other side of my yes and God has brought me places I could have never dreamed of but places God has dreamt for me. I can say with certainty it is good and it is beautiful. Maybe you are where I use to be feeling hurt and hiding. Maybe it’s your safe place, certainly it is warm and comfortable there but all the same it’s a slow and numbing place. Maybe you’re tired of feeling disconnected and depressed and you’re ready to take that step and say yes. To come out into the open and see Christ stretched open vulnerable and naked. Maybe it’s time you do the same. Maybe it’s time to welcome those in your life into your heart and help them see where they are going as Christ once did for you and let them see what it means to be free and to be seen.
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Forgiveness
Forgiveness : one of the hardest things to practice yet one of the things we need to practice over and over day after day. Come on we are all fallible human beings living among fallible human beings. Most times intentional yet you feel the hurt. A short tone. A roll of the eyes seem so harmless yet you never know what stories people quietly carry beneath their smile. And these are the unintentional hurts. Can I even began on the true atrocities that destroy the human spirit. Rape Murder Racism Adultery and the list could go on and on. If you cant forgive these smaller pains how will you ever forgive the big ones. Surely never on your own. When I look to God can I even do the things He requires of me. Things like not holding a grudge. Sitting in the pain. Not fighting back. Not making them feel my pain. You’ve been there you know how impossibly hard that is when everything inside of you is screaming I want to hurt you back. Can you sit in that messy hellish emotion and let it pass and give it to God? Can you really give it to God? Can you sit there when someone is yelling at you and not yell back? Can you separate that person from their sin against you and say as Jesus did Father forgive them for they know not what they do. It is humanly difficult but not impossible. It requires surrender and acknowledgement that we our Gods and God has our back and will settle the score the way He chooses to. It requires letting go. Letting go of our rights. It requires giving God your hurt and pain. It requires letting God heal your heart and treating that person who hurt you with kindness. Its not a one time deal. It’s a process and sometimes you have to forgive over and over even for years depending on your pain. Its not an easy choice but it is the right choice. Possibly one of the hardest choices of your life yet one of the most healing loving choices you can make for yourself to restore peace into your life.
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Hiding among baggage
God has called you to great things. I will say it again YES God has called you to great things. In 1 Samuel 9:21 God has found His man. The man He wants to be king. Out of all the men God choose this one man to do the job. Saul’s response: I come from the smallest of the tribes and I belong to the poorest of the family. Did you hear that God says you’re the man Saul and Saul says that’s great and everything God but hello do you know me Im the smallest and Im the poorest. Boy can I ever relate to Saul. Why is it that we disqualify ourselves. I mean if the God of the universe says you’re the one then surely he knows what he’s talking about. But how many times do we see ourselves through the eyes of all we lack. Like Saul he didn’t see himself the way God did. He saw himself as small and poor. Poor Saul had a major inferiority complex. And I know how he feels. In 1 Samuel 10:22 when Saul is called forth to be presented as the next king. Where was Saul ? No one could find him. But God saw him. God always sees us. God said he’s hiding among the baggage. Wow stop my tracks. Hiding among the baggage. Let that sink in a moment. How many times has God called me to something and Im hiding in my baggage. Holding onto the past. Holding onto those old narratives of who I am. Holding onto the voices that say that I don’t matter. Are you hiding among the baggage? Has God called you to do something? Do you need the perspective of potential? You may be among the baggage. I know I was for a long time but God didn’t leave me there and He wont leave you there either. He loves us way to much to leave us amongst the baggage of all the lies of who we arent. As we find our way to God we begin to see who we really are: loved and we begin to embrace it and live it. It will come little by little step by step with God holding ourvhand leading the way towards all the great things He has for us to be.💜
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I will heal your wounds
Keep watching! I will restore this city and heal the wounds of my people. I will lavish them with peace and stability.”Jeremiah 33:6
Have you ever been in a place of brokenness? A place where you come to the end of yourself. The walls of self-protection no longer comfort you. Here you are a victim of emotional wounds. You taught yourself a long time ago to keep people at a distance. You tricked yourself. You told yourself that you let people close to you, and you did but only so close. You fooled yourself that you had the control but then you sabotaged and pushed those you loved far away. They could only take it for so long and then they turned their backs on you. Then the story you tell yourself became a reality. The narrative that runs through your head that no one can love you. One day you wake up broken and isolated. You are disoriented by all the lies you have been telling yourself, but just ahead is a new place. This is the place of restoration and healing. This is where I was the day God whispered to me. He said, “Mary keep watching. I will restore you and heal you from your wounds. I will lavish you with peace and stability.” He spoke and I pondered. For me it took pushing the one person in my life I loved above all others. The only one who ever showered me with unconditional love. I became so dependent on that love that I made it my god. I couldn’t have enough and when he couldn’t give me more I pushed him away. What I understand now that I never did before is that this love didn’t come from him but from God. God was lavishing His love on me. I just wasn’t in the place where I could receive it. Now I’m on my own away from this man I still love and God is healing me. As soon as I let go f him my healing was immediate and deep and for the first time in my life I do feel restored. It took me reaching to God through loss, through change, through pain. I am thankful for this place of brokenness, for in it I am learning to let go and let God love me completely.
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You will have a sweet sounding name
Jerusalem will have a sweet sounding name once again. The good I do for her will bring me joy, praise and honor among all the nations of the earth for they will be in awe and tremble at the peace and prosperity I give to this city.”Jeremiah 33:9
Have you ever been in a place of despair? A place of complete loss. You have fallen and in the process have let go of your golden rope of hope. You lay in the ashes and watch as the rope dangles in front of you but you cannot grab hold of it, you cannot even lift your head. It taunts you as it swings like a pendulum reminding you of all you once had and let go of, but then you ask yourself did I ever have this hope to begin with. It was on this day that God said, “Mary you will have a sweet sounding name once again. You will no longer be called insecure or fearful. I will rename you. You will be called; confident, fearless, and beautiful. The good I will do for you will bring me joy. Others will be awe at the peace and prosperity I give you.” He spoke and I pondered. I stood at a crossroad. Would I take the road that was familiar to me or this time would I take the unfamiliar. I am no stranger to suffering, it had become a way of life for me and in the past I put up my walls and stuffed the pain. I never allowed myself to heal or to go through it. I always found a way around it. Here I was almost 9 months into my recovery from codepdency and found myself in a very profound place, a place of great opportunity birthed from great loss. God had laid the ground work for me. He had been cleaning out the foundation in my life. What was old and decayed had to be removed. What was insufficient and too weak to support my new structure had to be removed, replaced and reinforced. I knew I had the patience to endure the hard parts now I must trust, surrender, and allow God to heal and prepare me. There was no other choice for me but to press into Gods space and allow Him to heal me.Prayer: Father, this loss is too much for me to bear I am lying here in the ashes. I know what was old and decayed must be removed, but the pain grips my heart. Carry this burden for me. I let go of all that held me back from you. I move towards You in childlike trust. I surrender. Prepare my heart I open it to You as You make me into a fearless, confident, beautiful woman.In Jesus
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Ignore those voices
Ok so we all know the story of David and Goliath right. Small boy with a great faith kills the giant yada yada awesome story amazing story but there is so much more to this story. God calls this small boy to do an amazing thing. We can all relate to David on some level. Here we are going about our life minding our own business content and living life. We are ordinary and small in the eyes of the world. They probaly don’t even notice this great God who lives inside us. To God though we are not small for how can a great God create something insignificant he cant its just not who he is. But here you are and bam one day out of nowhere God calls you to do a great thing. And by the way anything God calls you to do is great because he is great. He puts this fire in you because he is this fire. But have you ever noticed the other voices. The human voices. It could be subtle but its there and it creeps in. Like David in 1 Samuel 17:28 David was sent by his father to check on his brothers and Davids brother Elib says to him “Why have you come down here? Who is watching your tiny flock in the wilderness. Im your brother and I know you- your arrogant and your heart is evil. You’ve come to watch the battle as if it were entertainment.” Now hold on one minute. Wow that was quite a jab and David hasn’t even battled Goliath yet. And come on this is his own brother. There is a lot going on here and I think Eliab needs to check his heart. In his eyes David is small. Did you notice how he said whos watching your tiny flock. Trying to downplay his responsbilties as insignificant. And then begins to character assisnate him. Calling him arrogant and evil. Wow those are strong words. Looks like Eliab may be talking about himself. I mean come on hello Eliab do you even know your brother. And what is Davids response to all this. Does he take it in and cower in the corner or does he ignore it. In 1 Samuel 17:30 it says “David ignored him.” I don’t know about you but its so easy for me to take in the words that people say and let them define me. What I love about David is that he knew who he was and what God had called him to do and this came from the time he had spent with God listening to who he said David was. Whats even more important for following Gods calling on his life was his why. Our why is so important. In 1 Samuel 17:25 David had asked what the reward for killing Goliath was. The soldiers said wealth and a royal marriage but Davids motivation was to honor God. After David declared that he would fight Saul sent for David. David bravely declared to the king , “ Don’t let anyone be frightened because of that man. I am your servant and I will go and fight with him.” Sauls response was, “ Don’t be ridiculous you cant fight. Your only a youth and he was a warrior since childhood. You lack age and experience.” Have you ever been called to do something for God and an older wiser person tells you that you cant do that. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you cant do something that God has called you to do. Don’t let your inexperience and age keep you from Gods calling. Be like David who told the king who he was and what he could do. Know who you are and speak your truth. In life we surely do have our Goliaths but we also have our smaller battles of knowing who we are and knowing the God who calls us. Its these battles of identity and purpose that prepare us for our greater battles. The battles that are not for the faint of heart and can only be won in God and he’ll be there giving us the victory to live another day in his love💜
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God still moves
Wow! What a year. We randomly hear people say oh man that was a tough year but this year was unlike any year many of us have ever experienced. This was a year that all of us can honestly say in our hearts that was a tough year. Yet as a believer of Jesus I can say I see the evidence of God all over this year. God is still good and He still answers prayer. At the beginning of this last year months before the pandemic began. I prayed that God would change my heart towards someone in my life. I was living in the past and saw them through a hazy filter of who they use to be and not who they truly were. This was someone I always wanted to be close to but just never was. God took my prayer and answered it in ways I could have never imagined. God took this relationship from a disconnect to the closest relationship I have. God still answers prayers. God uses impossible situations ie like a pandemic and breaths life into it. God does things we could never imagine in ways we just could never imagine. On Sunday as I sat in church we talked about the Evidence of God throughout this last year. It was an empowering time of testimony and worship and I pondered these things in my heart. God is so empowering. He breaths life into the relationships that matter to us in His timing and in His way.💜
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what Lucky taught me
Growing up I just didn’t get it. How could people become so obsessed with their pets. They dressed them up (I didn’t get it) they talked to them like they were their own children (I didn’t get it) they bought them gifts (yep again I didn’t get it) I was the one who use to say animals don’t have feelings and daughter would try to convince me yes yes animals do have feelings. Please don’t hate me. Don’t throw anything at me quiet yet as I said I use to believe. Then enters Lucky. The cutest cat I have ever seen. With her white body and black stripes and black face she took my heart and I havent seen it since. She was a gift from aunt and truly my aunt was the vessel that God used to bless my life. It was 2018 one of the darkest years my family had faced. We lost my uncle and a month later my mom. But God brings what we need when we need it. And her name was Lucky. She was my uncles cat and she needed a home. And she found one. She nestled deep within our hearts and their she still resides. Lucky taught me so much but the greatest thing she taught me was unconditional love but not in the way you may think. Lucky was a one woman cat and the first few nights we had her Caleb stayed up all night petting and reassuring her that she was safe. She was his cat and that was just the way it was. She wanted nothing to do with me but I loved her. That was a first for me. To love someone or something that did not love me back. She taught me a lot. She taught me to invest and to give of yourself to make someone feel safe. She taught me the purety of love just by being her. She brought so much love so much comfort so much companionship to our life in a time when we really needed it and she is just reminder that God is always there and brings the comfort we need through the dark seasons of death. God was there through a cat named Lucky🐱
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Never the same
One of the hardest things for me was how I was received when I returned. It was the main reason I didn’t want to return and what caused me the most pain. I had a friend and I really loved her. She was my work bestie. She was one of the best parts of my day. She was one of my favorite people and she knew excatly why I returned. The day I returned she stood at my door shaking her head and finger at me. My heart sunk a few levels that day. Things would never be the same. Gone were the days where she’d embrace me in a hug and say my bestie. In fact I noticed while I was away she had enquired a new bestie. My heart sank even deeper. What really hurts is when your favorite person no longer treats you the same. I had to walk through a season of forgiveness. I’d see her day in and day out and I would silently watch her as I just held my hurting heart in my hands. It was something I had to face but I didn’t face it alone. In quietness and strength I showed up each day and slowly my work began to heal my heart, through the love I gave and received through the children. They are the balm from Gods healing heart and in time I forgave and in time it hurt less but I never felt the same and that’s a sadness I still carry in my heart. ❤️
Meditations from the heart 