Meditations from the heart

Our life is a story. It’s our story. A collection of our experiences. The good the bad the beautiful and the ugly. Moments of highs lows and all that lies between. We tell stories to each other and to ourselves and we believe all that has happened and the things people have told us and it becomes our truth and we live out the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. We talk to ourselves so much that there’s no space for the real truth. God’s truth. I grew up hearing Gods truth and even thinking that I believed it but still I had these thoughts in my head that never gave me peace. No matter how many times I heard that God loved me and I belonged I still had all these experiences that kept telling me that no one likes me. And that voice was so much stronger and I really believed it. Over the years I’ve had so many wonderful experiences with God and so much healing from an abusive childhood but still that voice is still there and I believe it every time. When you believe something you live it and I have found that true for my life. As our weekend begins just for this night think about your story and all the things you tell yourself in the quiet of the night. And all the things that people have told you about who you areMy story beginsI was born May 1, 1975 to Bob and Elsie . My mother loved to tell me that she had 2 miscarriages before I was born this was the story she told me often. She wanted me to know that she wanted me but I never felt this way. She also made certain I knew my father didn’t want me but I was a daddy’s girl through and through. I was 4 years old and my sister was 2 when our parents divorced and our world was forever shattered. Our mother was determined to turn us against our father. She would tell me that my father didn’t want to see me and told my sister that my father never wanted her. This left us feeling unwanted and that we just were never enough. It left a black hole in our hearts. We carried this darkness quietly within us. Growing up we carried our secret shame and it made us feel sicker every day. Our mother would tell us the same story over and over again and as a young child you hold it close and you believe the lie. She would tell us that she had to go to court to make him see us and that he threw all our toys in the garbage. Things you should never tell a young child. Things that tainted our view of our father. My mother was angry and vindictive at the time and just couldn’t see past her own disappointments to see what she was doing to us.

Eventually we began to see our father again. I lived to see my dad. It was my escape from my emotionally unstable mother. At dads I felt free. At dads I played with my neighborhood friends Amy and Stacy. We had the best times sitting around in Stacy’s bedroom listening to Bon Jovi or making up dance routines to Madonna’s( Open Your Heart. I could be carefree and free from the high expectations of my mother. I could eat Golden Grahams and listen to Tina Turner. At dads we ate pizza and fried chicken. At dads we went roller skating. It was fun at dads but what I really wanted was my dad’s attention and affection. It was something I just never received. My dad on the other hand loved women and always had a woman in his life and that left little room for me. So instead I stood by as I watched him give attention and affection to the women in his life. I grew up starving for attention and affection and unfortunately repeated the same patterns I saw in my dad. As a teen I became boy crazy and codepdent. I didn’t feel whole unless I was in a relationship. Infatuation was a drug to me which left me empty time after time. It was never enough so I hopped from relationship to relationship always thirsty for more. I was like the woman at the well in John 4. Who came searching for water that left me thirsty?

One of the best things my mom did was make me and my sister go to church. So after my parents divorced the church van would pick me and my sister up every Sunday. We were the van kids. That’s what we called ourselves. We were the kids that the van picked up while all the other kids at church came with their parents. I remember that first Sunday When the van picked us up I looked at the white large letters that said Ottawa First Church of the Nazarene and nervously held onto my sister’s hand as we climbed the steps together. I couldn’t understand why my mom stood at the door waving goodbye to us but I had my sister so I proceeded to the van. Wide eyed and unsure I sat in silence as my sister looked up at me with reassurance. It may have been the only time she did. I was scared. I always was and I really didn’t even know why. All I knew was that I needed my mom and she wasn’t there and I couldn’t understand why. When you’re a child you don’t understand the fears and insecurities that adults lug along with them. Each Sunday my sister and I would wait at the door as we watched our cartoons and walk down those steps and up those steps to the van that took us to the little church that became our home. We went alone and that was normal for us. Looking back I feel sad for those two little girls that rode that van without their mother. We grew up in that little church on the edge of town and our best friends Missy and Julie would go with us and we thought that was pretty cool. We rode the van together and giggled as little girls do and we would find a little happiness at least for a little while.

At a young age my relationship with God was somewhat distorted. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable father and a neurotic controlling mother I grew up with a false narrative that God would love me as long as I was good. If I followed the rules and didn’t fail then I would be loved. I became a perfectionist from a young age and my self-worth was based on never making a mistake. I would go to church on Sunday feeling so much shame making all my promises: oh God I promise I won’t get angry and I won’t sin. Then I’d go home to my mom’s high expectations and all her lists and I would fail. I felt like such a failure. I would develop a pattern of going all extreme for God hoping I wouldn’t fail and then having nothing to do with God because I just couldn’t measure up. I felt like I was never good enough so why even try but then the guilt would settle in and I’d be flying as high as a kite thinking this time will be different this time I’ll be a good christen but I just never was.

There was also another side of my mom, the abusive side.There were some thing that happened to me as a young child by my mom that forever shattered my sense of security. A child should always feel safe and cared for, watched over and protected. When I was 9 years old my mom took me and my sister out into the country. She drove for what felt like a lifetime. I replayed over and over in my mind the tape she made us sit and listen to. The words fracturing my little soul. I replayed in my mind how she took my sisters favorite stuffed tiger Tuffy and cut off his head and my precious Elizabeth doll. When she cut off their heads she cut up my heart and days later in deep regret she would sew their heads back on but how can you sew up a broken heart. You can’t. She stopped the car and yelling at us threatened to leave us out in the country all alone. She pulled my sister out but I held on so tight she couldn’t pry me out of the car. The story I told myself is that she couldn’t get me out but for all I know maybe she came to her senses all I do know is that I never felt safe again and all my life I have had a fear of abandonment that hasn’t let go of me. My mom was never a safe person for me so I developed my own coping mechanisms like hiding within myself and running away. I had a deep fear of intimacy. I wanted to be close to others and yet at the same time I was so afraid and would sabatoze and leave relationships and friendships and jobs. I think most people would say about me I really liked Mary whatever happened to her.

I think I always felt different like I never really belonged anywhere. Painfully quiet I never voiced how I really felt about anything. Growing up with my mom and sister who had dominant personalities I just faded into the background. I always carried around with me the feeling that whatever I had to say didn’t really much matter to anyone. Being born quiet unsure and afraid only compounded by the fact that I grew up around boisterous self-assured people only made me retreat more into myself. My experiences in grade school only made me hate myself more. In addition to being quiet and unfriendly I also was about a foot taller than anyone in my class. I felt like a giant and I became very uncomfortable in my own skin at a very young age. I didn’t feel accepted and thus began the narrative that I began to believe for the next 40 years of my life “I don’t belong.” Honestly even now years after my healing I still feel uncomfortable in groups and struggle with speaking up. You know how our parents always tell us stories about us well they matter in developing who we think we are. My mom use to always tell me, that she’d come by the playground and see me playing by myself. Sad to say that’s still who I am. Sure I try to make friends and I do ok for a while. Certainly much better than I use to do but in the end I still end up being that girl playing alone. These experiences shaped who I had become and what I believed about myself.

Through my teen years I grew into my beauty and it was at that time that boys began to give me attention. I began to believe that I was accepted because of my outer appearance and that is what I focused on. As a teen my mom became unbearable to live with so I ran away and went to live with my dad. I always seemed to be running to my dad. A pattern I developed with all the men in my life. It was my senior year and since my dad lived one town over I lived with my aunt and uncle during the week and with my dad and stepmom on the weekends. At that time I didn’t get along with my stepmom so I often would retreat to my bedroom, my safe sanctuary. I always loved a closed door. It was my security. I think it all goes back to being inside that car and preventing my mom from abandoning me. I still feel safest behind a closed door. I became depressed I just felt like I wasn’t loved and I didn’t belong anywhere.

This is when I first started turning to food for comfort and this pattern followed me all of my adulthood. I gained 30 pounds and now I didn’t even feel beautiful on the outside anymore. It was during this time that I turned to God. One weekend I fasted in my bedroom and read my bible and gave my life to God yet again another pattern I had developed of going hot and cold for God. Soon after that I graduated from high school and I’ll never forget how my mom tried to punish me by not coming to it.

In the fall I packed up my stuff and moved to Olivet Nazarene University. I just wanted to start over somewhere new where no one knew me. I loved my years at Olivet. For the first time in my life I made friends and felt like I belonged but I also ended sabotaging most of those friendships because of my pattern of fear of intimacy. I could only go so deep with people before I turned them against me. I was good at attracting people to me. I was a great actress I was intelligent and perceptive. I could be whoever I was around. I was your classic chameleon but I could only do that for so long. Naturally when people discover you’re fake they don’t want to be friends with you anymore. All I cared about was getting people to like me.

During my junior year a friend of mine invited me to a star trek convention where I met Jeff. Shortly after Jeff and I began dating. It was intense and fast. Another pattern of mine. I never really took my time to get to know someone. I lost my virginity and out of guilt I married him. Very bad idea by the way. Put that on your list of things not to do. We married within 4 months and shortly after our marriage I became pregnant. These were dark days for me and they kept getting darker. We lived with his dad. I felt more alone and isolated. The house we lived in was infested with roaches and I became more depressed. I turned further away from God. In June Kaitlyn was born. I couldn’t take it anymore so I took charge and found us an apartment. We lived in a bad neighborhood. My nights were filled with fear. Jeff and I began fighting frequently. One night we got into a fight and he flipped me off the bed while I was still on it. I decided to leave.

I went to live with my mom but could only stay with her for a short time and then lived with my aunt for a short time and then a family friend. This only made me feel even more that I don’t belong anywhere. I finally got my own place and things got better for a short time. Shortly after this I reconnected with a good friend from Olivet. His name was Matt. I always knew Matt was in love with me but I never felt the same for him. I was vulnerable and I turned to him. Because he always saw the best in me and believed in my potential. I was attracted to him. We dated but I manipulated and controlled him. I became demanding and he broke up with me. I couldn’t let go. I called him frequently and was forcing a friendship.It was around Christmas and I decided to get Kates pictures taken at Walmart. Our photographers name was Jammie and he swept me off my feet. He gave me a bunch of free pictures and I gave him my number. I was vulnerable and I turned to him and I used sex to receive the attention I craved so I wouldn’t feel rejected. What I really wanted was to be loved instead I was used in return. I became pregnant and Jammie disappeared. My dad told me to get an abortion but I would not. I was very alone during this time. I felt ashamed and turned from my faith. In August I had my son Caleb and he became the joy of my life. In April Matt died and because we were not on good terms when he died. I felt a lot of guilt and shame. I was heartbroken. I stuffed my pain and began talking on chat rooms where I met Eddie. I was infatuated and loved the attention and affection he gave me. Soon talking to him was not enough for me so I went to California to meet him. After I came back I decided to marry him. I never told my family what I did. I was married to him for 5 years and they were the darkest years of my life. I retreated further into depression. My life was completely out of control. I began having panic attacks at work and had to take a leave. I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar and started being over medicated. I was not functioning. I barely took a shower or dressed. I began misusing Ativan and became addicted to it and my low point was when Katie caught me taking Ativan with vodka. I went into the hospital. After I was discharged my doctor put me on antipsychotics. My family intervened and came into my home to help me.My journey towards healing began the day I found a note my daughter had written about me in her notebook. Was it by chance that I found this note or perhaps was it all part of God’s plan for my life. God is quite clever that way. What are the chances that I would actually pick up my daughter’s notebook and skim through the pages? And what was it about this note that struck me like Saul on the Damascus rode to finally see the light? Was it all part of a Divine plan or perhaps it was the prayer of my silently suffering daughter that really saved my life? We never do really know do we? All the silent prayers prayed while we are drowning. All I do know is that this was the day my life began. As a stood in my kitchen in a haze my heart was opened to what my life had become. A zombie, sleeping my days away. Anxious during the evening, spending hours awake. Heart thumping, racing thoughts. I could find no peace. This was my life for years cycling between anxiety and depression. It had become a way of life for me. Who had I become and how did I get here? It started out with a small pill for depression and a misdiagnosis. A doctor who pushed pills and diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Years later I would receive a correct diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. In the meantime years of my life were taken from me in a haze of these pills. This was where I was as I stood in my kitchen and read the words that still ache and tear at my mind. It was her heart that broke me. It was her brokenness full of light that transformed me. Her words were fiery darts of truth that showed me the way out of my numb like coma.So what does your experience tell you? What lies have you been believing? What do you tell yourself when no one is around? Do you tell yourself it’s your truth? And is it really. Can you name it? Write it down. Can you let go of the story you tell yourself so you can make space inside your heart and mind for what God has to say. To let go of all that noise distracting you from Gods gentle whisper and what He says about you. Like a garden without rainThere was a time that I was like a garden without rain. Looking for life but not finding it. Despite all He had done for me I rebelled. So here I was down on my knees, washed up, bitter without a heart. So I decided the only thing I could do was reach up towards the one who had pulled me out of the merely clay time and time again. He pulled me up and helped me wash myself.and helped me clean up my life. I came along with God. walked and talked with Him and I worked this out with Him. He woke me up to all my life had become. He began to burn off what was worthless, purging what was impure. He put me under the test when I lost everything and He restored me and delivered me from myself. I was crushed and done in. I was ashamed because I worshiped the gift inside of the giver. I fell apart, faded and dried up. And the years that followed were a time of enlightened. These years I stood in His strength and went towards Him and He began to water my dry and dusty soul. He began to teach me the best way to be and the sun slowly began to rise within my spirit. I have been on this journey 12 years now and I have learned to go along life as He would have me to go. To put Him first and to place my will and my life into His hands knowing that it is all good and it is as it is meant to be. I no longer take on the attitude or posture of other people. I no longer imitate anyone who crosses my path. I no longer worship my idol of people pleasing and chasing after romantic love or putting men on pedestals for I was humbled. My bubble was burst. The people I had placed on pedestals were pulled down and though it took me many years God and no one else became my center. He was lifted up and lifted up in high esteem. On that day I was shattered and pulled down. My idol vanished. I hid myself away in the rocky cave within myself. When I fell I left my idol behind, the one I worshiped. So On that day I stopped believing that human beings were so amazing. We are short lived only a breath away from death and worth as much. People aren’t so special. God took away my heroes, the ones I never thought would fall, fell away from me and I was left alone. They didn’t stay and play nurse to my wounds, they just walked away leaving me in shambles. The ones I looked up to now looked away. Everything began to go wrong for me. All that I had done came back at me. Oh how I ached for companionship, but loneliness only licked my wounds, a deep bitterness that would not heal. Oh how I mislead myself as I was guided down the path of disaster. My heart was devoured and I was left feeling so needy. Oh how I was crushed by my infatuations. My face was grinded down into the ground because I was so proud, so preoccupied with myself with my strutting and flirting, with my skipping and dancing, with my winking and giggling for attention and what for it was never enough for me. I always needed more, more affection and attention. Instead I was left feeling naked and bald, smelling of decay and what was worse I was so oblivious to it all. In my tears and in my grief I sat as a heap on the ground, desolate and empty. In my shame I looked up to God. I begged God to take away my shame and all the bad things I had done that rotted my soul. I reached up my arms and turned away from the way I was living so I could just be called by Gods name. Then a tiny shoot was cultivated and nurtured by God. I emerged new and green, a promise of beauty. I offered myself for it was all I had, my heart, my mind, my spirit and God made it lovely. He called me precious. He called me special. He called me holy. He made me alive for He washed away my fifth and cleaned up my blood with His spirit of justice and breath of fire. He hovered above me just like when He created the earth and all within it and He created a wonder within me. He rose above the cloud and smoke of my soul and created a bright and shining fire within me, to light all the darkness within so that my darkest day would seem like light, a bright and shining light. He nestled in and rested within me. My heart was now His home and within Him I found a place of shelter and a place to retreat amid the storms and the rain. ~based from Isaiah 1-5Gods story for YouGod has a story for you. Genesis 1:1 saysIn the beginning God created everything: the heavens above and the earth below. Here’s what happened. At first the earth lacked shape and was totally empty and a dark fog draped over the deep while Gods spirit-wind hovered over the surface of the empty waters. Then there was the voice of God. God said “Let there be light.”This is where Gods story begins for us. In the darkness and the emptiness Gods spirit hovers above us. We’ve been believing this story we tell ourselves and no matter what we do it’s always the same. We’ve hit a wall and we just can’t do it anymore. Were just done. Did you know that Jesus says that you’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. That with less of you there is more of God. These things that we struggle with are the things that bring us to healing. In 2 Corthians 12 Paul had a thorn that he begged God to take from him. Can you relate? How many times have you asked God to take your struggle from you. My struggle was mental illness. I had no control of my emotions and lived merciless at their beck and call. I was an emotional rollercoaster and so many times I would pray and say to God take me off this ride. I can’t do this anymore. But like Paul I was given a gift. A handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. I couldn’t walk around high and mighty. And like Paul for many years I didn’t think of this as a gift but God taught me that He was enough for me. That He was all I needed and that strength comes into its own in my weaknesses. Once I heard that I began to quit focusing on my mental illness and opened my heart and embraced it and accepted it as a gift. Its in that moment in the darkness that God hovers and we don’t even know Hes there because it is so dark. Then He says Let there be light and there is light and we see God and He is hovering above us and immediately the scales fall off our eyes. In Acts 9:19 Saul had an encounter with Jesus on the Damascus road. Saul was an enemy to Jesus. He was living his life in darkness. He was a man who killed and imprisoned Christians. He was an instrument of destruction. Spiritually blind. I think this is us too. Sure we haven’t killed or imprisoned anyone but every time we listen to the lies we tell ourselves we are dying a little bit more. We live in fear. In isolation. In depression. In anxiety. All these little prisons we live in that kill us slowly over the years. We living in darkness. We are blind. Then one day this light blazing bright penetrates the shapeless, empty fog that is draped over us and we begin to see just a little bit. This is where I was the day I read the note that my daughter wrote about me. About how lost I was in the darkness of believing all the stories I had been telling myself. Jesus is the beginning of a new story for you. In Revelation 3:20 it says that Jesus is standing at the door of your heart and is knocking and if you hear His voice and open the door in to visit with you. This is a new day for you when you open this door. On that day you are a new person and the old life is gone and your new life has begun. That’s the thing though you must let go of the old. Don’t be like me. I began my new life and never even realized I was still holding onto the old too. On this day Jesus begins directing our lives. On that day according to Isaiah 42:16 Jesus begins escorting us down roads we don’t know. Now pay attention to this Jesus escorts us down this road. We are never alone on this road. Did you know that Jesus goes before you and is beside you and behind you. He is all around you. Take it from me. I’m someone who’s been down this road and when I tell you it’s better than you can imagine. Trust me it’s true. The verse continues and says that Jesus will guide you on this new path. The path of discovering who you really are. Jesus will smooth your passage and light your way. There are many little lights along the way. I like to call these my AHA moments. Where I’m walking along this path and suddenly a light comes on and I realize a nugget of truth. On my journey Jesus lead me to a church. Christ Community Church. At this church I began to experience Gods love for me through the people there. When I first started going to church there I was one of the last people to arrive and the first one to leave. It was how I kept people at a distance but God had other plans for me there. Christ Community was a small church and after my years there I can honestly describe it as a place of healing. It was like a hospital. A place sick people were guided to and were healed. That was me. It was in this place with these people where I experienced who God really was. That he was my Father and that He loved and accepted me. This place was filled with so many different people who would have such an impact on me. People like Julie who sought me out. She had a gift of hospitality and noticing people like me who hide and she was the first person who opened the door of warmth so I would feel a little more comfortable. She and I became good friends and she had a special gift of words. She would receive words from God for people and write them down. God used these words to speak words of love words of truth about who I was and I began to receive these words and Gods love for me. Over the years I received many of these words. Another person who had an impact on me was Carl. Carl had a gift of prophecy. I had gotten to know Carl and his wife when I went to see Les Miserable with a group of people from the church. One day after church Carl stopped me and said” Mary I see a very bright light in you. Even on your darkest days you are a bright light. This brought so much light o me because I was listening to the story in my head that I’m depressed and this helped me see the truth about myself that I’m a light. Saying yes and making myself available allowed me to experience God more. I have had so many amazing experiences and met so many loving people at Christ Community that I couldn’t possibly describe them all.Another way Jesus has shown himself to was through scripture. For me the most impactful time was during a dark time I went through. I had fallen in love and was going through a very tough breakup when God really started talking to me through scripture. Through scripture God convicted me. At that time after that relationship ended I began reading Isaiah and God showed me that I had an idol in my life. My ex-boyfriend. I had taken a gift God had given me and began to worship it. I was codepent and addicted to him. And when the relationship ended I couldn’t let go. Through this time God showed that not to make anyone my God and not to be anyones God either.Through scripture God also shows us our purpose Isaiah 61:1 saysThe Spirit of the Lord, the Eternal, is on me. The Lord has appointed me for a special purpose. He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to repair broken hearts, And to declare to those who are held captive and bound in prison, “Be free from your imprisonment!” years later when I was healing from my past and was in a 12 step program I also began to sponsor and help women in their healing from the effects of codpencncy. God gave my life purpose and he will give your life purpose to. You need to know that whatever God shows you through scripture is true. Isaiah 55:11 saysSo it is when I declare something. My word will go out and not return to Me empty, But it will do what I wanted; It will accomplish what I determined.You may not know how that word He gave you will come true. Just know that it will. God always amazes me in the way he does things and the people he uses and in his timing. Isaiah 55:9 saysMy thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, Just as heaven is far from your reach here on earthWe will never understand Gods ways and His timing just know that it is always good and perfect. More than you could ever ask for or imagine.The last way God speaks to us is by promises. There are so many wonderful promises that God gives us in the bible but I also believe that God speaks to us individually and gives us personal promises. That’s been my experience. Before I received my healing God gave me 10 promises in Isaiah 60. God said in my depression Gods light would be seen in me. When I was working step 4 in the 12 step program I was in and I wrote down all the things I held against people I realized the reason I was so depressed because I had so many resentments and after that my depression lifted. God said I would be n a loving and nurturing relationship with my children and through my years in recovery I began to change and my relationship with my children became more loving and nurturing. God said my inner circle will build my heart up in love and acceptance. As I sat in a chair around a table in 12 step meeting after meeting. I began to listen and identify with others and find love and acceptance. I learned there is true power around a table. God said I would no longer self protect and my walls would come down. That I would relate in love. As I began to look back at my past and see all my coping mechanism and how they no longer helped me I began to let them go and learn to love. I began to heal my connecting with my inner child and letting God love me and learning to nurture and love myself. God said I will be reconciled to those I have heart and have hurt me. This came through my step work of amends and learning to forgive. God said I will not fear rejection. This one only happened recently after I buried my moms ashes and realized I was believing my story that Im not accepted. And decided I was no longer going to listen to that lie. God told me I am a joy to others. God said I am a peacemaker. I learned to live in serenity by living one day at a time and accept life as it is. One of my favorite mantras that I learned in recovery is acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today and this has helped me to be a peacemaker God said I have a worshippers heart and finally God said my days of mourning have come to an end. Each and every promise has come true. I have been on the path over 12 years now. It’s a slow and steady path. These truths and experiences with God happened over many many years. We all have different experiences because our stories are all different. We are unique and special in our own ways but this much I know is true for you on your journey as Phillipians 1:6 saysI am confident that the Creator, who has begun such a great work among you, will not stop in mid-design but willkeep perfecting you until the day Jesus the Anointed, our Liberating King, returns to redeem the world. God is beginning a great work in you and if you stay close to him and walk with him he will continue to complete that beautiful work that you will no longer listen to those old stories in the back of your head. Trust me they are still there. I still hear mine but we must drop that trash and hold onto this truth that Gods love for you is so wide and so long and so deep. That he sings over you and has your name written on your hand and that’s a love that can get you through anything in this life.