Meditations from the heart

It was so much easier to return to the one who loved me than it was to the calling of my heart. When I was a young girl ready to embark on life I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to teach very young children. Along the way I lost my dream like many do I became disillusioned. As a young person you think anything is possible and that you can conquer your dreams. It’s not so easy to do when you are dragging your brokenness right along beside you. Brokenness and dreams just don’t go hand in hand. Brokenness has a way of smashing your dreams and before you know it you are walking all over them without even knowing it. But God has a way of bringing it all back around. I never knew the day I decided to work at Kiddie Academy as a toddler assistant that He would bring me smack straight into my hearts calling. Leaving my calling was so hard but returning would be by far the hardest step I would take. When I returned I did everything I could not to return to all the people who knew all the reasons why I left. I felt so ashamed. Shame and pride slithered in between me and all God had given me. I just couldn’t face them. Facing things is something I had never done. I would just leave and never return. I would push things down and numb out. I would ignore and pretend but I would never face you. I was too afraid. So I tried to get into another Kiddie Academy but God said no. I tried to apply to other daycares but no response.

So I went back to retail. Just like the Israelites wanted to return to Egypt. I too returned to that which slowly killed my soul. It didn’t take long either til I woke up and realized that I just couldn’t go back I had to go forward and to go forward I must return to where my heart was loved and where my heart felt most alive with my toddlers. At first God said no then he said go ahead so He put me in the most soul killing postion at Old Navy: the dressing room. It’s a job where you make no progress. You run around the store like a hamster on the wheel and when you return to put more clothes away there’s even more than you began with. Day after dreadful day. Then one day I saw the parent of one of my toddlers and it felt as if God smacked me himself. You know the smack I’m talking about. The one that really hurts but is so good for the soul. I thought, “I just cant do this anymore.” I just had no idea how heavy pride really feels. The hardest thing for me to do was make that call and say “I want to come back” and guess what they welcomed me back with open arms just like God has done all along. The only thing standing in my way was me and this darn old pride and it held on and pressed me down from all of Gods blessings for me. ❤️