Meditations from the heart

And I will make room for YouTo do whatever You want toTo do whatever You want to~Community Music

It was almost three years ago now that I first attended Community Christian Church in Lemont. Community has a saying “helping people find their way back to God “ and that is exactly where I was at that time. I had distanced my heart far from God and his people. I was hurt and disillusioned and tired of doing things God’s way. In 2013 I met Chris. I fell fast and I fell hard. I had just spent three years single getting to know myself and drawing close to God. I believed when the time was right God would bring a guy into my life. Chris was charismatic and I was drawn instantly to him. He was a rather new Christian and a 1 year sober alcoholic. I loved how on fire he was for God. From the getgo our relationship was toxic although I could never see it. I quickly replaced God for Chris. I worshipped and adored him. He was on my pedestal and he could do no wrong. Over the next year I constantly compared myself to him and felt less than and was jealous whenever he would give more attention to others. I quickly became codependent with him. It was a receipe for disaster. And God broke us up.

In Deutermony 5:7 God says “You shall have no other God’s before me.” Looking back now I have no doubt God was taking this relationship out of my life. God began to show me that He had given me a gift and I turned it into my God. Not only had he become a love idol to me but I was also addicted to him. And I wasn’t about to let God take him away. When we first broke up I had hit a hard bottom. I would cry so much and so often I would make myself sick. I was a mess. At first I would try not to be around him but then I would put myself wherever he was.

While we were dating I began my recovery from childhood abuse so when we broke up I was already going to recovery meetings and was sharing a sponsor with him. I continued to attend recovery meetings after we broke up so I was still in his life. I just couldn’t let go even though God told me too. I did this for the next three years and I just couldn’t get over him. I was still hanging on. Eventually he began dating a mutual friend and married her, I felt betrayed bitter and disillusioned. I was so mad at God. It was time do things my way. So I began dating again.

During this time I left my church and friends behind. So I went my way. Eventually I met a great guy and moved away. But my heart was distant and numb from all the heartbreak. On that Sunday at Community Christian they played a song called Make Room. A longing to draw close to God began to flicker once again. The song says I will make room for you to do whatever you want to and slowly over the next three years I began to make room.

One thing God used to draw me close to him was loneliness. Partly because when I moved out to Lemont I didn’t have very many friends in my life and also because I was living in a new place I didn’t know anyone. Compounded by the fact that for the next two years we were in the middle of a pandemic. God had made me lonely so I could make room for him and that is what I did.

One of the things God did during this time was draw me close to my sister. Growing up we were never close. My mom had always said to me “I had your sister for you. Growing up with mom was hard. We had our own struggles and pains and spent most of our early adulthood trying to heal from it. God had us on separate paths. As children we suffered silently not knowing we both felt alone insecure and not accepted. It seems Looking back now that we could never be close as sisters as long as my mom was around and it was no wonder because she either pitted us against each other or was jealous. About a year after my mom passed away I realized I never really knew my sister and I was seeing her through the filter of the past. So one Sunday I prayed that God would draw me close to my sister. God used that empty space to draw me close to her and to Him. And now she is my best friend. I believe that in my late 30s when God began to heal me He brought many wonderful women into my life to love me when I couldn’t love myself and to heal my mother wounds. These women will always nestle closely into my heart and I think of them often and am grateful for how they helped bring healing to my life. I needed this before God could bring my sister and I close together and to walk this path side by side.

In this room God grew my heart when He gave Daisy to me. Before I met Daisy I was still struggling with loneliness and my heart still felt numb most of the time. But God has a way of using the most unlikely things to open our hearts. I was never a dog person. Honestly I didn’t like dogs and I would actually cross the street if I saw a dog coming. We never planned on getting a dog but God had his plans and my life was about to never be the same again. It was Father’s Day and we went to visit my dad. While we were there we went out to the barn to look at his dogs. This was something we normally did when we visited him. But on this day there she was the dog that would open my heart. With her warm soft eyes she pulled me in and I haven’t been the same. I fell in love instantly and she came home to live with us. For the next three months I stopped working and took care of her. I cant explain how it happened but my heart began to open again. This decision to get Daisy changed the course of my life because I began to ask myself what do I really want to do with my life. I knew it wasn’t working retail anymore.

I made more room for God to guide me. In this room God whispers. 1 Kings 19:13 says “After the fire died out, there was nothing but the sound of calm breeze. And through this breeze a gentle, quiet voice entered into Elijah’s ears” God quietly reminded me of children. When I was young I always knew I loved young children and felt a calling to become a teacher and along the way I became disillusioned and lost my dream. God opened the door and I began to work with toddlers. My heart opened even more and God brought affection into my heart once again. I just love those moments when you feel like you’ve come full circle. This morning I was sitting at Community Christian. Same church different location. Pondering these last 3 years in my heart and remembering the song Make Room and all God has done in my heart in this life because I made room for Him. I’ve experienced His presence in the lonely places. His favor through Daisy, through His purpose in my calling to love and nurture toddlers, through His people in my relationship with my sister and through His Spirit that’s with me through the loneliness and long nights.