Meditations from the heart

There was a time that I was like a garden without rain. Looking for life but not finding it. Despite all He had done for me I rebelled. So here I was down on my knees, washed up, bitter without a heart. So I decided the only thing I could do was reach up towards the one who had pulled me out of the merely clay time and time again. He pulled me up and helped me wash myself and helped me clean up my life. I came along with God. walked and talked with Him and I worked this out with Him. He woke me up to all my life had become. He began to burn off what was worthless, purging what was impure. He put me under the test when I lost everything and He restored me and delivered me from myself. I was crushed and done in. I was ashamed because I worshiped the gift inside of the giver. I fell apart, faded and dried up. And the years that followed were a time of enlightened. These years I stood in His strength and went towards Him and He began to water my dry and dusty soul. He began to teach me the best way to be and the sun slowly began to rise within my spirit. I have been on this journey 12 years now and I have learned to go along life as He would have me to go. To put Him first and to place my will and my life into His hands knowing that it is all good and it is as it is meant to be. I no longer take on the attitude or posture of other people. I no longer imitate anyone who crosses my path. I no longer worship my idol of people pleasing and chasing after romantic love or putting men on pedestals for I was humbled. My bubble was burst. The people I had placed on pedestals were pulled down and though it took me many years God and no one else became my center. He was lifted up and lifted up in high esteem. On that day I was shattered and pulled down. My idol vanished. I hid myself away in the rocky cave within myself. When I fell I left my idol behind, the one I worshiped. So On that day I stopped believing that human beings were so amazing. We are short lived only a breath away from death and worth as much. People aren’t so special. God took away my heroes, the ones I never thought would fall, fell away from me and I was left alone. They didn’t stay and play nurse to my wounds, they just walked away leaving me in shambles. The ones I looked up to now looked away. Everything began to go wrong for me. All that I had done came back at me. Oh how I ached for companionship, but loneliness only licked my wounds, a deep bitterness that would not heal. Oh how I mislead myself as I was guided down the path of disaster. My heart was devoured and I was left feeling so needy. Oh how I was crushed by my infatuations. My face was grinded down into the ground because I was so proud, so preoccupied with myself with my strutting and flirting, with my skipping and dancing, with my winking and giggling for attention and what for it was never enough for me. I always needed more, more affection and attention. Instead I was left feeling naked and bald, smelling of decay and what was worse I was so oblivious to it all. In my tears and in my grief I sat as a heap on the ground, desolate and empty. In my shame I looked up to God. I begged God to take away my shame and all the bad things I had done that rotted my soul. I reached up my arms and turned away from the way I was living so I could just be called by Gods name. Then a tiny shoot was cultivated and nurtured by God. I emerged new and green, a promise of beauty. I offered myself for it was all I had, my heart, my mind, my spirit and God made it lovely. He called me precious. He called me special. He called me holy. He made me alive for He washed away my fifth and cleaned up my blood with His spirit of justice and breath of fire. He hovered above me just like when He created the earth and all within it and He created a wonder within me. He rose above the cloud and smoke of my soul and created a bright and shining fire within me, to light all the darkness within so that my darkest day would seem like light, a bright and shining light. He nestled in and rested within me. My heart was now His home and within Him I found a place of shelter and a place to retreat amid the storms and the rain. ~based from Isaiah 1-5