Meditations from the heart

Let me begin with a little bit of honesty. I’m never gonna be the poster girl for how I overcame fear in 10 steps. Let’s me be even more honest I’ve never overcome fear but I sure have learned a whole lot about it. I would never say hey come look at what I did to overcome my fears. No I think it would go a little more like this hey look at me let me show you what not to do when it comes to fear. Let me show you what fear can do to you. Fear and I are cozy companions. Honestly I think when I was born I pulled fear out of the womb right along with me. I have sat in the quiet contemplating why have I always felt so afraid all my life. Even as a small child I felt afraid. Quiet and painfully shy. Fear grew inside. I often look at this quiet little girl and wonder what made you so quiet and so afraid before all the abuse you endured. The abuse only made me more afraid It made me retreat further into myself. This is when I first learned to disassociate. I would numb myself out and become very sleepy. I still do this. It’s been a coping mechanism for me. As I got older I began to run away from home. I am a runner and I still run away. I shut down. I quit. I was really good at starting things: new relationships friendships, jobs and never seeing them through. Fear has taken a lot from me and I let it. Fear has been a driving force in my life. It has driven me away from opportunities, possibilities and the good things God had for me. Luke 9:24 says “If you try to avoid danger and risk then you’ll lose everything. If you let go of your life and risk all for My sake, then your life will be rescued, healed, made whole and full.”Because I felt afraid my God became safety. I would do anything to feel safe and by anything I mean nothing. I know that sounds crazy. Let me explain. I stayed inside myself where I knew no one or nothing could hurt me. I never went out. I would never approach you. You’d have to approach me and most people didn’t because I looked unapproachable. Unfriendly and unwelcoming buried under a mound of insecurity. If fear was my constant companion, then insecurity was my best friend. They were the chains that held me down and even now at times like the ghost of Christmas past they come back around swirling around inside my fragmented brain. If a opportunity would come around I would do nothing. It was in doing nothing I lost everything. Just like Jesus said. I closed my door. I read my book. Retreating into isolation and giving birth to depression. The brother of anxiety. Anxiety(which is basically fear) along with worry and depression work together to bury us under oppression and that’s exactly where I was when Jesus came along. Where did fear led me? No where good I can assure you. Much like the story of Lazarus in John 11. John 11:1 says “there was a certain man who was very ill.” I was sick with fear. Fear was killing me. Once a companion now a burial shroud. Once I believed fear kept me safe inside its cozy cocoon now my pulse had slowed, my mind was numb and I didn’t even realize I was buried alive. How you ask can you not realize you are buried alive? Slowly over time. The more I disengaged the more unaware I became. I had become the one Jesus loved who was very ill. In John 11:3 “the sisters immediately sent a message to Jesus which said, Lord the one You love is very ill” I cannot even imagine all the ones who watched me and cried out to Jesus. Help me friend she’s ill. It is the ones who love us. Who watch us. Who try to help us. Who are powerless and fall down to their knees and in a breath of desperation cry out Jesus the one you love is very ill. Another lesson I embark to you: fear doesn’t only effect us it effects the ones we love. And what does Jesus say” His sickness will not end in his death but will bring glory to God. Could it be that my story, my life wrapped in so much fear could bring glory to God. Maybe did I need to die in order to come to life. And what did Jesus do. John 11:6 says, “however after receiving this news He waited two more days where He was.” Where was Jesus all these years as I battled fear. He was there watching, waiting. We must hit a bottom before we reach up. Jesus knows that and sits there watching and waiting. After 2 days Jesus says in John 11:11, “our friend Lazarus has gone to sleep, so I will awaken him. Sleeping in fear Jesus approached my grave. A stone stood before him. What is this stone that buried me alive? The past. A little girl pushed down by fear. A little girl with no one but herself to make her feel safe. With her security blankets of : shutting down, running away and disassociation. Now was the time to push the stone of the past away. Jesus lifted his eyes towards heaven, Lazarus come out. I stood up and came out. Jesus said” untie him and let him go. It was time and I was ready to face everything and to recover. It was when I began to work through my past. All the abuse. The neglect, the abandonment . All that had been done to me and all I had done. I began to find healing in God. I began to forgive and ask for forgiveness and fear Let go of me as I began to trust in God. These days fear is still there and at times it still gets the best of me but it’s no longer tied to me. It’s no longer the director of my life. These days I let God guide me for as Isaiah 30:21 says,” I hear your sweet words behind me. Go this way there is your path this is how you should go.” And this path is no longer a path of fear but of trust in the God who called me from the grave and into healing, wholeness and love.A way backSometimes we all get to a point where we’re just ready to throw in the towel. We’ve given all we can give and there’s just nothing left to give. We’re at the end of our rope and we just have to let go. That’s excatly where I was the day I decided I just had enough. Enough of the trouble and conflict of a 5 year relationship. I’m no stranger to leaving. Honestly my hashtag should read #seeyoulater. I was notorious for not seeing things through and hopping from relationship to relationship. It had been my pattern for what feels like all my life. But I felt this time I really had tried my best and it just wasn’t getting any better. In fact it was just getting worse. I just didn’t know what to do anymore so I left. I left in secret up until the moment the Uber picked me up at 3am. He thought I was going for a vacation. Only he didn’t know it was a stay vacation. At the 11th hour he turned to me and said “Your not coming back are you?” I just turned my head in regret and shame. As I sat in the back of the Uber my heart filled with sadness but I pushed it down. Just like I had pushed down every other emotion I’ve felt all my life. My heart whispered “what have you just done” but I pushed that down too as I walked off the plane into the bright sunshine of California 🌞 I think I knew deep in my heart I had just made the biggest mistake of my life though I couldn’t quite see it yet. That evening as I celebrated my sister’s birthday walking the dark streets of West Hollywood everything inside of me shouted “this is all wrong” and I listened. That evening as we settled in for the night and I told my sister how I was feeling. She said,” Just sleep on it.” but I knew in my heart that I just couldn’t. Sometimes you just gotta trust what you know and I knew I needed to go back. I picked up the phone to call him and he was so happy that I had changed my mind. With tears in his eyes he welcomed me back with open arms. It reminds me of God and how no matter how many times we lose our way He’s right there welcoming us back with love and through tears.