Meditations from the heart

God has a story for you. Genesis 1:1 says In the beginning God created everything: the heavens above and the earth below. Here’s what happened. At first the earth lacked shape and was totally empty and a dark fog draped over the deep while Gods spirit-wind hovered over the surface of the empty waters. Then there was the voice of God. God said “Let there be light.”

This is where Gods story begins for us. In the darkness and the emptiness Gods spirit hovers above us. We’ve been believing this story we tell ourselves and no matter what we do it’s always the same. We’ve hit a wall and we just can’t do it anymore. Were just done. Did you know that Jesus says that you’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. That with less of you there is more of God. These things that we struggle with are the things that bring us to healing. In 2 Corthians 12 Paul had a thorn that he begged God to take from him. Can you relate? How many times have you asked God to take your struggle from you. My struggle was mental illness. I had no control of my emotions and lived merciless at their beck and call. I was an emotional rollercoaster and so many times I would pray and say to God take me off this ride. I can’t do this anymore. But like Paul I was given a gift. A handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. I couldn’t walk around high and mighty. And like Paul for many years I didn’t think of this as a gift but God taught me that He was enough for me. That He was all I needed and that strength comes into its own in my weaknesses. Once I heard that I began to quit focusing on my mental illness and opened my heart and embraced it and accepted it as a gift.

Its in that moment in the darkness that God hovers and we don’t even know Hes there because it is so dark. Then He says Let there be light and there is light and we see God and He is hovering above us and immediately the scales fall off our eyes. In Acts 9:19 Saul had an encounter with Jesus on the Damascus road. Saul was an enemy to Jesus. He was living his life in darkness. He was a man who killed and imprisoned Christians. He was an instrument of destruction. Spiritually blind. I think this is us too. Sure we haven’t killed or imprisoned anyone but every time we listen to the lies we tell ourselves we are dying a little bit more. We live in fear. In isolation. In depression. In anxiety. All these little prisons we live in that kill us slowly over the years. We living in darkness. We are blind. Then one day this light blazing bright penetrates the shapeless, empty fog that is draped over us and we begin to see just a little bit. This is where I was the day I read the note that my daughter wrote about me. About how lost I was in the darkness of believing all the stories I had been telling myself.

Jesus is the beginning of a new story for you. In Revelation 3:20 it says that Jesus is standing at the door of your heart and is knocking and if you hear His voice and open the door in to visit with you. This is a new day for you when you open this door. On that day you are a new person and the old life is gone and your new life has begun. That’s the thing though you must let go of the old. Don’t be like me. I began my new life and never even realized I was still holding onto the old too.

On this day Jesus begins directing our lives. On that day according to Isaiah 42:16 Jesus begins escorting us down roads we don’t know. Now pay attention to this Jesus escorts us down this road. We are never alone on this road. Did you know that Jesus goes before you and is beside you and behind you. He is all around you. Take it from me. I’m someone who’s been down this road and when I tell you it’s better than you can imagine. Trust me it’s true.

The verse continues and says that Jesus will guide you on this new path. The path of discovering who you really are. Jesus will smooth your passage and light your way. There are many little lights along the way. I like to call these my AHA moments. Where I’m walking along this path and suddenly a light comes on and I realize a nugget of truth. On my journey Jesus lead me to a church. Christ Community Church. At this church I began to experience Gods love for me through the people there. When I first started going to church there I was one of the last people to arrive and the first one to leave. It was how I kept people at a distance but God had other plans for me there. Christ Community was a small church and after my years there I can honestly describe it as a place of healing. It was like a hospital. A place sick people were guided to and were healed. That was me. It was in this place with these people where I experienced who God really was. That he was my Father and that He loved and accepted me.

This place was filled with so many different people who would have such an impact on me. People like Julie who sought me out. She had a gift of hospitality and noticing people like me who hide and she was the first person who opened the door of warmth so I would feel a little more comfortable. She and I became good friends and she had a special gift of words. She would receive words from God for people and write them down. God used these words to speak words of love words of truth about who I was and I began to receive these words and Gods love for me. Over the years I received many of these words. Another person who had an impact on me was Carl. Carl had a gift of prophecy. I had gotten to know Carl and his wife when I went to see Les Miserable with a group of people from the church. One day after church Carl stopped me and said” Mary I see a very bright light in you. Even on your darkest days you are a bright light. This brought so much light o me because I was listening to the story in my head that I’m depressed and this helped me see the truth about myself that I’m a light. Saying yes and making myself available allowed me to experience God more. I have had so many amazing experiences and met so many loving people at Christ Community that I couldn’t possibly describe them all.

Another way Jesus has shown himself to was through scripture. For me the most impactful time was during a dark time I went through. I had fallen in love and was going through a very tough breakup when God really started talking to me through scripture. Through scripture God convicted me. At that time after that relationship ended I began reading Isaiah and God showed me that I had an idol in my life. My ex-boyfriend. I had taken a gift God had given me and began to worship it. I was codepent and addicted to him. And when the relationship ended I couldn’t let go. Through this time God showed that not to make anyone my God and not to be anyones God either.Through scripture God also shows us our purpose Isaiah 61:1 saysThe Spirit of the Lord, the Eternal, is on me. The Lord has appointed me for a special purpose. He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to repair broken hearts, And to declare to those who are held captive and bound in prison, “Be free from your imprisonment!” years later when I was healing from my past and was in a 12 step program I also began to sponsor and help women in their healing from the effects of codpencncy. God gave my life purpose and he will give your life purpose to. You need to know that whatever God shows you through scripture is true. Isaiah 55:11 says So it is when I declare something. My word will go out and not return to Me empty, But it will do what I wanted; It will accomplish what I determined.You may not know how that word He gave you will come true. Just know that it will. God always amazes me in the way he does things and the people he uses and in his timing. Isaiah 55:9 says My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, Just as heaven is far from your reach here on earthWe will never understand Gods ways and His timing just know that it is always good and perfect. More than you could ever ask for or imagine.

The last way God speaks to us is by promises. There are so many wonderful promises that God gives us in the bible but I also believe that God speaks to us individually and gives us personal promises. That’s been my experience. Before I received my healing God gave me 10 promises in Isaiah 60. God said in my depression Gods light would be seen in me. When I was working step 4 in the 12 step program I was in and I wrote down all the things I held against people I realized the reason I was so depressed because I had so many resentments and after that my depression lifted. God said I would be n a loving and nurturing relationship with my children and through my years in recovery I began to change and my relationship with my children became more loving and nurturing. God said my inner circle will build my heart up in love and acceptance. As I sat in a chair around a table in 12 step meeting after meeting. I began to listen and identify with others and find love and acceptance. I learned there is true power around a table. God said I would no longer self protect and my walls would come down. That I would relate in love. As I began to look back at my past and see all my coping mechanism and how they no longer helped me I began to let them go and learn to love. I began to heal my connecting with my inner child and letting God love me and learning to nurture and love myself. God said I will be reconciled to those I have heart and have hurt me. This came through my step work of amends and learning to forgive. God said I will not fear rejection. This one only happened recently after I buried my moms ashes and realized I was believing my story that Im not accepted. And decided I was no longer going to listen to that lie. God told me I am a joy to others. God said I am a peacemaker. I learned to live in serenity by living one day at a time and accept life as it is. One of my favorite mantras that I learned in recovery is acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today and this has helped me to be a peacemaker God said I have a worshippers heart and finally God said my days of mourning have come to an end. Each and every promise has come true.

I have been on the path over 12 years now. It’s a slow and steady path. These truths and experiences with God happened over many many years. We all have different experiences because our stories are all different. We are unique and special in our own ways but this much I know is true for you on your journey as Phillipians 1:6 saysI am confident that the Creator, who has begun such a great work among you, will not stop in mid-design but willkeep perfecting you until the day Jesus the Anointed, our Liberating King, returns to redeem the world. God is beginning a great work in you and if you stay close to him and walk with him he will continue to complete that beautiful work that you will no longer listen to those old stories in the back of your head. Trust me they are still there. I still hear mine but we must drop that trash and hold onto this truth that Gods love for you is so wide and so long and so deep. That he sings over you and has your name written on your hand and that’s a love that can get you through anything in this life.