Meditations from the heart

Sometimes we all get to a point where we’re just ready to throw in the towel. We’ve given all we can give and there’s just nothing left to give. We’re at the end of our rope and we just have to let go. That’s excatly where I was the day I decided I just had enough. Enough of the trouble and conflict of a 5 year relationship. I’m no stranger to leaving. Honestly my hashtag should read #seeyoulater. I was notorious for not seeing things through and hopping from relationship to relationship. It had been my pattern for what feels like all my life. But I felt this time I really had tried my best and it just wasn’t getting any better. In fact it was just getting worse. I just didn’t know what to do anymore so I left. I left in secret up until the moment the Uber picked me up at 3am. He thought I was going for a vacation. Only he didn’t know it was a stay vacation. At the 11th hour he turned to me and said “Your not coming back are you?” I just turned my head in regret and shame. As I sat in the back of the Uber my heart filled with sadness but I pushed it down. Just like I had pushed down every other emotion I’ve felt all my life. My heart whispered “what have you just done” but I pushed that down too as I walked off the plane into the bright sunshine of California 🌞 I think I knew deep in my heart I had just made the biggest mistake of my life though I couldn’t quite see it yet. That evening as I celebrated my sister’s birthday walking the dark streets of West Hollywood everything inside of me shouted “this is all wrong” and I listened. That evening as we settled in for the night and I told my sister how I was feeling. She said,” Just sleep on it.” but I knew in my heart that I just couldn’t. Sometimes you just gotta trust what you know and I knew I needed to go back. I picked up the phone to call him and he was so happy that I had changed my mind. With tears in his eyes he welcomed me back with open arms. It reminds me of God and how no matter how many times we lose our way He’s right there welcoming us back with love and through tears.